Monday, July 23, 2012

Holy Summer of...?

It's upon us and again I am baffled as usual. Summer, hazy and thick. This one so different than the last, busy but in a new way, clearer and scarier too some how. Ah life what a bizarre trip it is. We plan and think, and think and plan- for what? It is all out of our control, or maybe that's my own state of mind speaking, generalizing, making the mess all sound more acceptable, normal, less my fault. Either way it's here and you can't go around it, I must go through it. So trooping on I bumble around slowly deciding my fate, where I'll end up no one knows.

I speak of younger days, 16 maybe, I'd do it better this time wouldn't I? Aren't I too young to long for youth? Maybe its more about rebellion and less about a number- either way this was not the original angelic vision. A rough draft is more like it, I'm moving stuff around, editing if you will-  erasing hard lines and replacing them with less defined markers. Taking my time, studying my previous motivations and assessing what should drive my new ones. The future is vast, where will it lead, what do I want it to hold, now? Drastic changes can take some time to take their toll I guess. How to deal with the new reality and weighing what making the most of it all really means...  and the truth is it's all up to you. That's what will keep me up at night- no one to blame but yourself. Every decision yours, possibilities endless, whichever way you choose. 

How much do you want to grow, learn, explore? What is comfort worth compared to the unknown? How courageous can you be, but more than that what is courage to you in your life. When and where do you put your focus, your dedication, your love, and will it be worth it? What do you want, what do you hope to earn, what will fulfill you at the end of the day- someone, something, anything? The questions well they are easily overwhelming, it comes down to the feeling. The spark of living and how to keep ignited. 

Maybe I just need to drink in a graveyard, skin my knee, and then call it a day.