Monday, July 23, 2012

Holy Summer of...?

It's upon us and again I am baffled as usual. Summer, hazy and thick. This one so different than the last, busy but in a new way, clearer and scarier too some how. Ah life what a bizarre trip it is. We plan and think, and think and plan- for what? It is all out of our control, or maybe that's my own state of mind speaking, generalizing, making the mess all sound more acceptable, normal, less my fault. Either way it's here and you can't go around it, I must go through it. So trooping on I bumble around slowly deciding my fate, where I'll end up no one knows.

I speak of younger days, 16 maybe, I'd do it better this time wouldn't I? Aren't I too young to long for youth? Maybe its more about rebellion and less about a number- either way this was not the original angelic vision. A rough draft is more like it, I'm moving stuff around, editing if you will-  erasing hard lines and replacing them with less defined markers. Taking my time, studying my previous motivations and assessing what should drive my new ones. The future is vast, where will it lead, what do I want it to hold, now? Drastic changes can take some time to take their toll I guess. How to deal with the new reality and weighing what making the most of it all really means...  and the truth is it's all up to you. That's what will keep me up at night- no one to blame but yourself. Every decision yours, possibilities endless, whichever way you choose. 

How much do you want to grow, learn, explore? What is comfort worth compared to the unknown? How courageous can you be, but more than that what is courage to you in your life. When and where do you put your focus, your dedication, your love, and will it be worth it? What do you want, what do you hope to earn, what will fulfill you at the end of the day- someone, something, anything? The questions well they are easily overwhelming, it comes down to the feeling. The spark of living and how to keep ignited. 

Maybe I just need to drink in a graveyard, skin my knee, and then call it a day.

Monday, January 30, 2012

I spoke too soon.

We all have hopes for a new year when one rolls along, we were taught to express them, make resolutions, look to the future with excitement, wide eyed and wondrous like the possibilities are endless- it's sort of a return to childhood I guess, when the world really is your oyster and all things seem doable. Who came up with that? How are we supposed to carry on in such a manner when with age comes tragedies, loss, heartaches. How can we protect the ones we love from these inevitable crushing fates? The sad fact is we can't. I for one was under the impression that the universe was somewhat kind, that when one huge blow hits there is time and statistics on your side. That mystically you get a reprieve because you have suffered, paid your dues, and live worse for it everyday of your life. Well, at the moment it looks like there's no such thing as a break because of experience, the hits just keep coming and that childhood view sinks deeper and deeper under a jaded eye.

This month of supposed new beginnings just brings dread. Loss is a personal thing, there are no real words to describe it, you go through it next to people but utterly alone. Friends and even strangers surround you some with experience others still with a whole heart trying but failing to imagine themselves in your new shiny black shoes. You envy them, or at least I did, knowing what you have while living with it is a gift but when it's taken away it's torture. You hold on to memories, things you know he would do, things you know he would say, but that hole is too great to fill so you don't try. And each day there is a pain in your chest and a swelling ball in your throat but somehow you manage to tread on, bedtime it's own miracle each and every night. I don't  know how this ends, I don't know if it ever will but I do know that I never wanted to share it so soon with someone so close. Unfair is the word of the decade, unimaginable is how this can happen twice only just one year apart to men who were so sound, so strong, so good and so doting to their daughters.

I am bitter, I try not to be, but I am. I am sad, so deeply sorrowful there are days I want to sleep away but I don't. I am angry, rage filled at times, always at nothing with no one to blame, but it passes. I am grateful, so very grateful for what I had and will always have with him. I am depressed, it comes in waves, and is heavy like lead but I struggle through it and somehow find a way to beat it down. I am hopeful, I would be nothing without it, he would want it no other way. I have glimpses, fleeting moments where the future can be seen and it is bright, shining even without him which most of the time seems like an impossibility, but it's there for me and I know with work I will get it and he will be proud.

I don't believe there is an end in sight for me and my personal struggle with my personal loss. I think it becomes a new reality, one I will learn to live with. My old normal is just a memory now. People say that it gets easier with time, I guess I want to believe that but I don't, at least not for me, at least not yet.  I think no one will ever know the severity of my pain, MY relationship was too big, too emotional, too close to ever compare with anyone else's. Is this true? As I said loss is a personal thing, to each its own battle but with familiar wounds.

I had time to bargain with whatever higher power there may or may not be. I pleaded for his life, to take decades off of mine for a few more precious years. I would have honestly done anything, anything to save him. But we don't get to choose and that is what makes these January's seem cruel, resolutions pointless, wonder a joke. And there are days when I walk around cynical, dazed, pondering the point of this existence at all but then his warm memory will come to me and that will spark the wonder which leads to that little glimpse of hope and before I know it I am there creating that bright future in my mind. Sharing those beautiful childhood notions with a me of my own, teaching and giving as he gave to me, passing along the magical bits that make all of this loss and life worthwhile. Those glimpses that is what gets me through keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, longing for brighter days.

For you, I've told you I wish I could make it go away. Have it just be some epic bad dream that you wake up from feeling comforted by reality. If only I could I'd take pleasure watching you have years with yours, milestones, laughs and love. Instead we will press on together, sharing those with each other as we did before but somehow closer, bonded in these untimely tragedies, so similar, but so different just like us. It is unfair, and in all honesty there was some pain in seeing your relationship continue when mine had ended too soon, but more than pain there was love. Love for what I had and seeing familiar traits with you and yours. I never thought I would have to comfort a friend so soon after my own turmoil, but I am here and we will struggle together, through the bitterness, sorrow and all the other ugly trials until we can stand before each other with our happy futures now our presents glowing and intertwined.

That, my friend, I promise you with all my heart.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Oh January of Januarys...

Winter is so glum. Am I right or what?! But we all press on trying to stay of sunny mind and body, it is easier said then done. What can one do to really stay up  during these long, dreary, dark months?

My response is... Play Dress Up! Come on why not?
So January is nearly over and that brings February month of not only the dreaded Valentines Day but alas my birthday as well. Usually the celebration for this day, that  has begun to seem more ordinary and less exciting with each passing year, goes something like this... Adult pizza party at my humble abode and then off to some deserted bar in the surrounding area, where we ALWAYS get the lights turned on around 1 am. Lame does not even begin to  describe it.

So this year for the milestone of 29, I've decided to change it up and incorporate two of my loves, a reason to celebrate and dress up. Eureka!! A theme party!

Oh, can't you see it the sheer enthusiasm of my friends who loathe the 31st of October, and my pressure for participation- now forced to don the unusual in the bitter month of February!  The gall!

At least thats what I expected but on the contrary I actually have been pleasantly surprised, it seems that if you narrow down the options people are much more receivable to catching the spirit of masquerade. Who would have thought?

You must be boiling, what is the theme? the suspense eating away at you...

It goes like this: Help Shea Ring in the LAST year of her Roaring Twenties!!
Yup that decade of excess and glamour the 1920's. Talk about inspiration the fashion was monumental, the moonshine flowing and the charleston was hot.

See for yourself:

 Now the hunt begins for the perfect attire..  I will keep you posted.
I hope  maybe I've inspired you to break out that harlot red lipstick, and throw on some pearls this weekend. Beat the washed out winter with rouge why the hell not.

too shea loves you.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Let's get on with it...

Yup, here we are again months have flown by, life has happened, and it's some how a new year. Are you as baffled as I am? Probably not. I am just about ready to join the real world again- this past year has been a complete blur- an important blur, but a blur nonetheless.

Let's re-cap.. really for me less than you.

 January 7th, 2011- My Father, my one & only, hero- passes from the after math of an heart attack in his LAD (Left Anterior Descending Artery). They nicknamed this sucker the "widow maker", most people instantly succumb but not W.E.K. he fought 23 days. Needless to say this was the worst possible beginning, my deepest darkest fear realized.
Not to mention, I was engaged, the wedding a mere 8 months away in my parents backyard under their wedding arch.  OUCH. Yes, I am making serious light of it, read my two prior posts the only 2 from 2011 and you will understand.

So we press on and I get married:
September 10th, 2011- Richard Lamiroult now calls me his wife. A Beautiful day, with weather that could not have been foreseen- a week before we were hit with Hurricane Irene and had to remove fallen trees from both the ceremony and Reception sites. All the planning and hard work done by my family, through the grief, sweat and tears was not for nothing.
Look I have the pictures to prove it:

Awesome. And then we were married.

December 16th, 2011- The one year anniversary of my Fathers Heart Attack. Even sounds surreal as I type it- see what I mean about the blur, where the hell did all those months in between January and September go? I couldn't tell you. The day sucked as did the 23 that followed and ... WHAM its 2012!

 Just wild. So here I am trying to re-gain control, purpose, and drive to become what I wanted to be before 2011.

I've said it before, but that last year obviously got in the way: I'm really going to give this blog another shot, try and make it the real deal. I love to write, I love to share, I love LOVE and experience, so I've decide to widen the scope of this little ditty. Making the possibilities endless, not just about my little company too shea, or painting but life.. mainly my life- but what else do we know, but ourselves. And maybe something good will come out of it for me, or for you. Relating to people is all its really about anyway, so here it goes, to 2012 and retaining my life, myself, here in front of your eyes. Wish me luck.

too shea loves you